Is Your Boss a Bully? How to Know and How to Survive

One of the blessings of my current office job is a non-bully boss with a heart as big as China. Alas, I have not always been so lucky: personally, I have known what it means to feel bullied at work, and from clients and friends I have also heard stories of outrageous abuses of managerial power.

I define “bullying” as any behavior that is meant to hurt, frighten, or humiliate someone who’s in a weaker position than one’s own. While schoolyard bullies typically use physical strength to bully weaker children, in the office, only the crassest bullies are likely to use muscle-power to terrorize their employees. Instead, their weapons are likely to consist of high voice volume, rapier-like wit, devious strategizing skills, or simply the authority to hire, fire, and promote.


I believe that bullying in the office situation can be particularly toxic relative to other types of workplaces for the simple reason that office employees spend many hours each week boxed up together, often seeing more of their coworkers than they see of their families, sometimes with few visitors from outside. Such circumstances are ideal for cult-like interactions to develop. Confinement plus isolation intensify the effects of attack behaviors, sometimes to deadly levels. Hurtful remarks that most of us could shrug off when made only once become increasingly toxic when repeated on a daily basis.

Here are just some of the behaviors that a bullying boss – or, in some cases, a bullying coworker -- may engage in:

• yelling
• name calling
• using profanity
• making offensive jokes
• threatening, which can be just a matter of voice tone
• talking down to someone, as if to a child or someone very stupid
• lecturing
• non-constructive criticism that focuses on the person, not the process
• belittling a person’s opinions
• public shaming
• micromanaging
• comparing the employee unfavorably to others
• withholding necessary information and refusing to answer questions
• intruding on someone’s privacy, spying, or stalking
• deliberately assigning unrealistic workloads or deadlines
• blocking applications for training, leaves, promotions
• breaking promises
• threatening to give a bad reference if an employee leaves

How do you know if your boss is bullying you? Your best guide is your own feelings. If you consistently walk away from an encounter with your manager feeling hurt, scared, enraged, or humiliated, you’re probably being bullied. If, when you go back to your desk, you waste the next half hour thinking of all the insults you’re going to hurl at your boss on your last day in this job, you’re probably bullied. If you’re also suffering from insomnia, changes in appetite, anxiety, depression, crying spells, or psychosomatic symptoms, it’s even more likely you’re being bullied.

Although this might seem obvious, people who are being bullied often are only half-aware that this is the case. Office taboos against “whining” and the almost infinite capacity humans have to adapt to hostile environments may result in denial on the part of bullying victims, not unlike the denial experienced by victims of domestic violence. Thus, it’s extremely important, if you’re experiencing any of the symptoms described, to ask yourself if bullying could be what’s going on.

Once you’ve named the bullying problem for what it is, it’s important to try to determine the type of bullying you’re experiencing. I can think of four possibilities:

1. Bullying moments: An otherwise nice person occasionally succumbs to the temptation to take things out on a weaker party. Most of us have probably done this at one time or another, after which we felt bad and apologized to the victim. A few bullying moments does not a bully make, but if the moments become frequent, a bullying pattern is developing – watch out. If this is what’s happening, you may be able to reverse the trend by taking a strong stand NOW.
2. Frustration bullying: I see this pattern a lot with my clients. An otherwise-decent boss becomes frustrated at an employee’s inability to accomplish a task for which he or she has no aptitude. Instead of recognizing that people have different strengths and weaknesses and either rethinking task assignments or helping the employee to rethink his/her career path, the boss tries to bully the employee into doing something he or she can’t do. The more the boss bullies, the more anxious the employee becomes, causing his/her performance to deteriorate further, resulting in even more bullying from the boss. Boss and employee thus become caught in a vicious circle that has harmful effects on all concerned. If you’re caught in such a circle, you need to act now to break out of it. Next time your boss berates you, you may want to acknowledge your lack of aptitude for the task, but also remind him/her forcefully of your strengths. Your boss may be able to think of better ways to use your strengths by changing the way tasks are distributed, but if not, he or she may be willing to help you find a job that suits your talents better.
3. Conformist bullying: Many bosses bully because they’re caught in a bullying workplace culture, where oppressing those who can’t fight back is the name of the game. They may even have been pressured by emotionally ignorant superiors to bully their employees. In such cultures, bullying tends to start at the top and work it’s way down through the chain of command. This is unlikely to change, and your best bet is to look for another job if you don’t want to turn into a bully yourself, which is the only other way to survive. Meanwhile, do everything you can to strengthen yourself and increase your options.
4. Psychopathic bullying: This is hard-core, cold-hearted bullying by a person with anti-social personality disorder, a person who is unable to empathize with others or experience guilt. Prisons are filled with such people, but unfortunately, that’s not the only place they’re found. Since they love power and can be extremely seductive and manipulative, they can often wind up with corner offices, destroying the souls of their employees and, ultimately, the long-term health of their organizations. These people actually experience pleasant neurological effects when they bully, and they also lack the brain chemistry needed to monitor their own behavior. They are incapable of changing without years and years of therapy and/or medication, and they’re not people you can negotiate with. All you can do with them is survive, and you’re lucky if you can do that. If you’re working for a psychopathic bully, get out of the situation as soon as you possibly can. Your sanity and maybe even your life are in danger.

The keyword in dealing with all types of bullying is strength. Remember that bullies are generally also cowards and tend to pick on those whose relative weakness they can sense. Thus, anything you can do to make yourself look, act, or feel stronger in any way will translate to your dealing more effectively with the bully. Here are some suggestions:

1. Never lose your cool with a bully. No matter how he or she behaves, remain calm.
2. Work to improve your performance in your job any way you can. The true bully won’t appreciate your efforts, of course, but if you feel confident about the quality of your work, you’ll be able to deal with him or her from a stronger position.
3. Find someone outside of your work situation in whom you can confide about the bullying and who can help you keep things in perspective.
4. Document every bullying incident.
5. Get your resume in order and find out what other employment options you have, which will make you stronger in this situation as well as help you to move on to a healthier workplace.
6. Engage in ego-boosting activities outside of work. Performing arts or sports are great for getting applause. Publishing an article or chairing a committee can make you feel like somebody, which will make you harder for a bully to demolish.
7. Join an employees’ committee in your organization that may bring you into contact with the higher-ups. If possible, get to know your boss’s boss.
8. Visit the Healthy Workplace Bill website to find out about anti-bullying legislation, an exciting new cause that is currently in its infancy. One of the main reasons bullies bully is that the law allows this, and we need to change this. Jump on the bandwagon: NO WORKER DESERVES TO BE BULLIED!!

Coming next: Music in the Office