Empathy in the Office

Recently I started reading an extraordinary book called The Empathic Civilization by Jeremy Rifkin. It’s an ambitious 700-page volume that rethinks all of world history in terms of two concepts: empathy and entropy, both of which Rifkin claims have progressively increased over time. Rifkin shows how certain conditions – new sources of energy, new communications media, urbanization, increased contact between members of different groups – facilitate “empathy surges” – times when the overall progress of empathy, i.e., the ability of one human being to imagine what another human being feels, takes a giant leap forward. While these surges never last, as energy runs out due to entropy and civilizations decline, they leave traces to be reignited with the next surge, and thus, over time, Rifkin claims, the human race is becoming more and more empathic.

So far, I’ve only read about a third of this book, but already it’s made so many sparks go off in my head I feel like it’s the fourth of July. This guy is a fabulous big-picture thinker. And of course, his ideas have all sorts of implications for the office world, which I plan to spend the whole next year exploring.

Meanwhile, it’s set me thinking about empathy, a concept I first encountered when doing training at a crisis center where I volunteered for a couple of years before starting social work school. Trainings for volunteers in those days began with an “Empathy Weekend.” On Friday nights, volunteers were divided into small groups run by “empathy trainers.” The trainers explained to us what empathy was, and that empathizing with someone with a headache didn’t mean you had the headache yourself, which is sympathy, it meant being aware that the person was suffering, communicating your awareness to him or her and “validating feelings.”

They asked us to take turns naming feelings while they took magic markers and wrote them on big pieces of paper until they were filled with words: happy, sad, scared, hungry, disgusted, overwhelmed, terrified, furious, etc. Then they gave us a list of ways to start empathy statements: “You sound . . . , you feel . . . , you seem . . . you’re feeling . . . , etc. That was Friday night. On Saturday, we practiced doing role-plays in which one person talked about a problem and the other made empathy statements – “you sound sad,” “you’re feeling overwhelmed,” etc. – until we could do so appropriately. Although a few refinements were added later – never use the word “should” or ask “why,” for example – this was the gist of empathy training. Within a few weeks, we were talking on the phone to real people with real problems, usually big ones, and while the best counselors didn’t always follow the empathy statement method too rigidly, we found it that it actually worked pretty well.

Many of us also shared that empathy training improved our lives outside of our crisis center work, including our lives in the workplace. In my own case, I have found that a lot of interpersonal difficulties in the office diminish if I shut my mouth, listen for awhile, and make a few empathy statements. I’ve also learned that it’s not good to make too many, as this may result in the other person telling me more than is really appropriate.

There are, however, some folks with whom empathy doesn’t work. These are people with personality disorders, folks who believe they’re just fine, blame all their problems on others, and leave a trail of hurt friends, family, and coworkers behind them. In my book, I call them “crazymakers,” a term I borrowed from the book, The Artist’s Way at Work by Mark Bryan, Julia Cameron, and Catherine A. Allen. Crazymakers are living proof that not everyone participates in Rifkin’s empathy surges. They have no ability to put themselves in the place of others and imagine what they feel. While many of them will be glad to talk your ear off about what’s wrong with everyone else, empathy does nothing for them.

Crazymakers are for another blog post. Meanwhile, get a copy of The Empathic Civilization and start reading it. This book could change your life!

Coming next: Crazymakers in the Office